


What I was

by LevisTears



Series: What we [4]
Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Backstory, Bullying, Domestic Violence, Emotional/Psychological Abuse, Happy ending to the series, M/M, Past Relationship(s), Sexual Abuse, Trans Levi (Shingeki no Kyojin), Vomiting
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-05-09
Updated: 2018-05-09
Packaged: 2019-05-04 14:53:08
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,977
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14595417
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LevisTears/pseuds/LevisTears
Summary: This here is my life, the story of my childhood what shaped who I am today and after all this time I am finally ready to share it and tell you all what happened in the years before we met.





	What I was

Within his sleep Levi felt a soft warm hand gently stroking his hair. He felt himself smiling. He slowly started opening his tired eyes to the sight of morning creeping through his eyelids. Levi took a moment until his eyes focused and looked at the person touching me. It was Erwin. "Good morning handsome" he smiles guiding his hand through Levi's new hair they sorted out last night. He doesn't have a chance to say anything else before Levi says something.

"Erwin I need to tell you something urgently" Levi adds "it's important"

"Can't it wait until we've had breakfast" he adds wrapping his arms around Levi's waist "I'm sort of hungry"

"Erwinnnnn" Levi whines sitting up "it's really really important"

"What is it?" He asks looking up at him from on his back "go ahead and tell me"

"My answer" Levi adds "and something else" Levi explains his answer to Erwin and he listens without butting in, he takes it all in.

"I'm glad you've figured this out" He smiles "but what is the other thing you wanted to tell me?"

"I want to tell you what happened when I was young" Levi says and Erwin sits up to look at him, he seems almost shocked by him saying that "do you want to hear?"

Erwin nods ready to find out something the friends around them wanted to find out for years. "Of course I want to hear Levi" he gently smiles "I'm here for you and I'm all ears"

"And brows" Levi smiles to find Erwin laughing quietly to them both "I'll start"

"I'm ready" Erwin adds.

"This here is my life, the story of my childhood what shaped who I am today and after all this time I am finally ready to share it and tell you what happened in the years before we met.

Well if this is the story of my life it would be best to start from the beginning. So there I was on the 18th October 2000 having just been born at half 10 in the evening. I do say born but I was actually born by C-section rather than the traditional down the vaginal tunnel route because of my mum being diabetic and me being breach with my leg being next to my head too. So I was early by three weeks, I wonder what it would of been like to have been born on time.... I like the date november sixth, I would of wanted that date to be my birthday if I was born on time. Me being brought into the word like that and not coming out naturally spouted the joke from Farlan that I was actually not born but removed like a tumour of some sort. Also he made the joke that I spent 9 months with my leg up by my head as it was a warning sign that their daughter would grow up to be sex crazed. 

OK that's baby me explained so now we can jump to when I was in primary. Until we get to the actual parts to do with school that messed me up let's just talk about what happened out side of school what contributed to it all. This part was the inside problem within our house.

I had always described my mother as the sort of bad guy without mentioning my dad not a lot. Well there is some history there and one part that I'll mention later within the story. You see when I was young my mum and I loved going out for walks to the pond next to our house at the time where Eren and I had visited for a date once. I loved going to feed the swans and ducks. We also played the buttercup game with the actual flower. I loves those times before everything turned to shit. To say it simple: arguments, shouting, alcohol, pain, more alcohol, hitting. I didn't even know how it started in the beginning, I had no clue about how it happened, all I know is that I heard it and saw it with my own eyes. It was a terrifying sight for a child and a teen to see.

I was soon dragged into it eventually. Blaming it on me, saying I caused the argument, having to pick sides when they fought.

The worst part about it was the alcohol. I hate and still hate that stuff with a fiery passion. It made my father abusive to my mother, it made my mother an addict who took it out on me so he would then take it out in her. A vicious cycle. My worst memory to do with that shit in a bottle would have to be when I was young, I can't remember how old I was at the time, 5,6,7 maybe 8 but I remember being woken up briefly during the night after they had both gone out drinking. I couldn't remember who it was who done it if I tried, I was that tired but I remember a figure entering my room and lifting up my blanket from on top of my body and getting in beside me. I don't remember much but I remember the feeling of a hand on my outer thigh then rubbing the area around the top of my stomach to my chest. I must of dozed back off and when I awoke I felt really bad inside. I don't know how it ended up later in the night but hopefully I wasn't sore anywhere. I do have a feeling it could of been my father, this is because a few times during my teen years I hate to admit it but I sometimes had dreams where my father was touching me out of nowhere even sometimes he was inside of me in these dreams. I don't know why my mind would generate such things when I'm supposed to have nice peaceful dreams, normal dreams. The thing I hate the most about it is that during these dreams where that stuff would happen....it felt good and I couldn't bring myself out of those dreams as I was trapped by my own lust. I'm guessing that was where the basis of my 'daddy kink' came from. It's not like I want to have sex with him, definitely not! I just want to have the controlling part of a relationship and be kind of dominated in the bedroom as odd as it sounds.

We then skip ahead to year four when shit hit the fan in terms of my mental health and health in general. You see I had friends in year three and at the start if year four there where two classes and they put all my friends in the other one. Just typical isn't it. This teacher of mine back then is the the reason everything went wrong and all I have to say is, teachers don't do that. She used to shout at me for no valid reason at all and humiliate me in front of the class as a joke, then of course for some reason all the friends I ever had walked out on me for some reason. They didn't want to play with me, talk with me at all. I was isolated in my thoughts for a year. This teacher then had the cheek to blame me for being off for two weeks with pneumonia even though she didn't take any chances to ask if I was ok when I was hot and pale in her class.

So time went on and I was being bullied by my teacher and classmates. My parents had no clue. My grades were dropping. I was so nervous to go to school my mum had to literally pull me off the door frame to get me out of the house and to school. On the walk to school I started throwing up and shaking, I had stomach pains, I was alone at school, my teacher was the worst thing ever. They even wouldn't let me through the front gate cause they thought I was a danger to other students or I had some disease when no, I hadn't, at that time I was a 9 year old girl with anxiety that was eating away at me and possibly depression to go along with that, I even remember not eating breakfast and going in dizzy as all hell into school.

Eventually my parents found out when I came up to them one day and asked them about the possibility of moving schools. This was a month before the end of year four and the second closest school to me accepted me. This was as soon as my mother found out everything she immediately filled out forms to get me away from there. I started in the last three weeks of year four.

The school I was then at was the best thing ever for me. I no longer threw up, I could breath properly. I was better. I reunited with my old friend Farlan who had moved in year one and we hit it off again immediately. All was great.

Year 5 was now there and this period of time from then until the end of year 6 is what I like to call the 'how I became suicidal' period. It started at the start of the year when I first realised about myself, about who I was on the inside, I wasn't Lucy Ackerman a girl no but Levi Ackerman, a boy. As a nine year old this was terrifying. I didn't know what this meant, I didn't even know that girls can transition to boys. It didn't know I could become one. I was going through an identity crisis I only knew about at the time until I told Farlan and he sort of understood what I was trying to say. I didn't have the words to voice my feelings so all I could say to my mother when I mentioned it was. "I'm a tomboy" to which she replied "don't say stuff like that in public, you don't actually admit to stuff like that, you'll grow out of it." As you can clearly see I never did grow out of it, it's who I am.

The next part where things when wrong for me is when I first met Aurou. At the time I was searching for someone to go to the Halloween disco with me as cringey as it sounds. Don't sass me I was ten and I needed a dance partner since Farlan wasn't going. Well this all happened when I walked onto the school play yard and he skipped in front of me. Talk about first impression mine would have to be the best, I had never seen or talked to this person before and my first words words to him were. "Is this a sign you want to go to the Halloween disco with me?" Yes I know very embarrassing. He did say yes by the way and we were going as friends. That didn't work out well as it turned out he was on the school council and had to deal with the sweet stands. I know it wasn't his fault but I was still annoyed to say the least. To be honest I didn't know since I was still classed as new that he was what we would class as a fuck boy. A 9 year old fuck boy....yep. We gained a friendship which turned into a relationship and I became friends with his friend Nanaba who was lovely by the way.

Our relationship grew and I apparently broke the record for longest going out with him. Now let's keep in mind he was the most popular guy in our class with all the girls around him and where I got all my friends. You can probably see where this went wrong.

It went wrong for two main reasons. 1. I was a boy on the inside and 2. His mother.

It would be best to start with the second reason first. At the time of our relationship my dad's mum was dying of stomach cancer and me and my mum were always looking after her. He had convinced (forced) me to join the church choir at our local church where he sings and I had no time to do it since my gran and homework. I had kept on catching the flu during this and this is where it went wrong with his mother. Aurou being a top grade student his mother thought he was the best at everything. I had texted him saying I wasn't going to be at choir as I had an infection. An infection. 'Infection' is where this went wrong. His mother had the audacity to assume my mother was texting him from my phone just because she didn't believe at age 10 I could spell the word Infection. Fucking cheek of it.

Now going back to the first reason it was rumoured that Aurou was in fact gay. And when I stated my feelings he had to go all no homo panicky and tell his mum this which since the family was church goers didn't end well. To keep it short I was dumped at the alter at choir practice, all my friends had left me again except from Farlan and Nanaba who apparently was sick of his attitude and now he was bullying me. Fucking typical isn't it when you think your life had turned around for the best you end back up in the shit pile. The Aurou situation ended with me being slapped across the face by my father for apparently trying to ruin his family name. It was the first time he had ever lifted a hand to me and when I think now I can still feel the shape of his hand on my cheek followed by my head being hit against the wall, remembering that moment gives me a headache.

The only good thing I got out of him was captain sharp cuddles who was originally called cuddles when I got him on valentines day 2010.

I guess the last part of my time at primary was to do with Farlan. Soon things went wrong with Farlan too. His grandad died and he took it terribly. He started sharing all of his problems with me and just let them soak up into me like a sponge. His words I soaked up but soon I had to soak up other things, he became depressed I hate to admit. The details I won't won't go into but let's just say it was effecting me. I remember once when we were both laying down on the school field together and he was busy poring his heart out to me about things in his life that were bothering him.

With everything around me being so sad and negative most of the time it was then when I questioned to myself. "What is happiness?" The life long question I now have an answer for.

So I'm guessing that's it when it comes to the story of my childhood. So all what's left to say is about what I've told you today is that it's What I was."

"That's terrible" he said hugging him tighter "but I'm here now Levi, let's go get some yummy breakfast and everyone can see the new and improved you, yeah?" Levi nodded and they began to get dressed. They walked down to the breakfast area to see them all sitting down eating. When they saw Levi they all widened their eyes.

"Damn!" Mikasa said out loud "good morning Mr handsome, look at you."

"Woo!" Hanji adds

"Ah you look so good" Farlan smiled

"Wow" Eren gasped "I can't believe it"

"Haha thanks guys" Levi smiled as they sat down "did you sleep well?"

"Yeah we got some sleep" Mikasa smiled "what about your night?" She questioned eyeing both Erwin and him with a small smirk "well I don't even have to ask about it, everyone in this damn hotel must know about it." Levi became slightly red in the face looking off to the side.

"Yeah" Levi said clearing his throat and Erwin and him met eyes by accident before quickly looking away in embarrassment.

"What took you guys so long?" Hanji questions and Levi sighs.

"I was umm... telling Erwin about something important to me" Levi adds.

"Is "Telling Erwin something" a codeword for sucking him off/ choking on it?" Hanji questions and Erwin nearly chokes on a bread stick, everyone looks at him "yeah like that"

"No I was actually taking to him" Levi laughs patting Erwin's back a little. "I was telling him about my childhood, wanna hear?"

"Yes we do" Mikasa adds "we've been wanting to know for years" So Levi does just that and explains everything once again that he had to Erwin. This time at the end he adds something when done knowing everyone he cared about was here. "I'm thankful for you all, I wouldn't be alive if I hadn't met you" Hanji looks at him and raises a brow. "I mean I was planning on doing something bad in year 7, you probably understand what I mean"

Levi heard Mikasa gasp alongside Farlan whilst Eren remained dead silent. He turned to Erwin who sat there with widened eyes lowering the coffee he had gotten from his lips, he turned to Levi and without any notice brought him into a hug. "Levi....honey..you should of told us, you should of told me....we love and care for you so much. Don't ever think about doing something like that in the slightest, my god please don't, please don't. You are amazing and beautiful and you haven't deserved anything bad that has come your way. Damn I'm so sorry for what happened Levi with everything that's ever happened to you." They released each other from the hug and Levi turned to the group again.

"It's important to care for those around you and not take them for granted." Levi explained "I thank you all for staying with me over the years, through everything that's happened. Mikasa for making me laugh all the time, Farlan for being my longest friend even though we put each other through hell, Hanji for being someone I can talk to on the side and Eren for teaching me to not lie to myself and for giving me so many new experiences I'll never forget."

"See" Eren added "it's because of me that you know how to love that man beside of you, I know it's too late and that but I've just got one thing to say. He may of won the race but I got on the track first."

"Eren please don't compare us dating as a race" he sighed "I haven't even been married for a full day yet"

"I mean I heard somewhere if you don't sleep together on your wedding night you can leave the other person without having a divorce" Eren added and the whole group just pulled him a face.

"Fuck off" Levi mouthed.

"Eren!" Mikasa added "are you still drunk off last night you damn idiot!"

"I mean do you really think that the two of us didn't sleep together last night. Do you REALLY think that Eren?" Levi asked.

"Well errm...." he muttered

"Did you sleep with headphones on or something?" Mikasa asked "because I'm curious if you heard the same thing as Farlan and I last night. For so long last night and so loud"

"Same here" Hanji adds

"Wait that was you two?" Farlan questioned "haha well done my man" he high fived Levi.

"Alright alright I'm sorry!" Eren added 

"You better be unless this fork is going straight up your ass Eren" Erwin added gripping the utensil.

"Ooh kinky" Farlan smirked and everyone just sighed.

Many hours had passed and they all traveled home. It was now 7 p.m and Erwin and Levi walked into their bedroom. They both let out a breath. They changed into their night time wear and just lay down on the bed. "I guess it's all finished now isn't it?" Erwin sighed and a pause ensured "what do we do now...."

"Live a happy life, you boob" Levi laughed and Erwin turned around and hugged him proceeding to pull Levi on top on him. Levi put his chin on his chest and smiled into his eyes as the warm dim side light shone onto them.

"I know thaaatttt!" He whined looking at Levi "I mean.....something else."

Levi raised a brow and Erwin slightly cleared his throat. Levi could see the small blush on his cheeks. "You can just ask me if you want to have sex you know." Levi added "I been telling you this for 2 years now"

"I didn't want to seem too needy" he sighed.

"You're saying this to me? ME?" Levi laughed "I'm the one who's always needy and gets way to excited for sex. I know how does sound? We order a big pizza and whatever sides we want. As much you want and then we have sex."

"Aren't you supposed to wait a while before exercise after eating? you'll get a stitch." He added

"That's swimming and I'm wanting something a little more adventurous." Levi said a smile forming on his lips.

"What?" He questioned confused.

"We fuck eachother whilst we eat" Levi smirked and Erwin widened his eyes "you can't kink shame me, you married me remember, you knew what you were getting into." Erwin just nodded laughing at him with a smile.

"Also I know this was this morning but you missed me off when you were explaining how the people around you have effected your life." He added.

"I didn't forget you honey, that was Eren's fault for being weird. He's acting like it's the end of the world when he knows I'm open to threesomes or something more, whilst we're at it we might as well invite Mikasa to the mix and Farlan if we wants one. The more the merrier." Erwin just blinked a few times quickly thinking about if Levi was joking or not.

"Just......tell me how I've impacted you" he added and Levi just smiled at him.

"Erwin you make me feel amazing in so many ways, you're the person I want to wake up to every morning and kiss to sleep at night. You're the person I want to go on this journey of mine with and I know you'll be with me through every moment of it, good and bad. I'm proud to call you my husband" Levi smiled and they gently smiled at one another. Levi brought him in for a soft kiss before he looked into Erwin's eyes. "I'm so happy that I met you Erwin, do you remember what I once said to you when you explained about your father. We're all slaves to our past, we need to recognise alongside learn from what happened in order for us to escape our binds and finally be free. But the thing is I never ever want to escape you, I'm fine being bonded with you for the rest of my life and more."

"You stole the words right out of my mouth" he smiled giving Levi another kiss "I adore and love you Levi"

"And I adore you to the end of time and back my love" Levi smiled holding his face "I love you Erwin"

So the food arrived and they both knew they wouldn't regret a single moment together. They could see the everlasting love in each other's eyes as Levi sucked him off as Erwin ate a slice of garlic bread.


End file.
